So, what's on YOUR mind?
This is a very personal post for me. It was difficult for me to write, but there are some things that people need to know about me. This is what it’s like inside my mind.
Inside my head I remind myself of my failures in life. I tell myself I will never live up to what other people expect me to be. I relive the traumatic moments from both my childhood and adulthood on a near daily basis. My anxiety has me constantly thinking about the next disaster, like something is going to happen and my world will once again come crashing down. I redirect my frustration with others onto myself, because the only person who should be dealing with my issues is me. These are just a few of the many thoughts that are racing through my mind.
The reason I say this is because I want people to understand me. Not just understand what I go through, but understand why it has become so difficult for me to change. There are many people in my life who I know only want the best for me. And try as I might I still don’t know how to shake these feelings off. I don’t want people thinking I’m not trying, I’m just overwhelmed.
Let it be known that I will not pretend to be an expert in mental illness. The only thing I know is what I go through and what I experience. I don’t know the exact science behind mental illness, I simply know how it feels.
I’ve spoken in the past about how difficult it is to break a negative mindset. Once you settle into a negative mindset, it takes a lot of work to break through it, and sometimes it’s impossible to. But mental health struggles are also about how easy it is to fixate on those negative thoughts. If I have a good thought and a bad thought, my mind focuses on and amplifies that negative thought. It is these two things that work together that makes it difficult to look past a negative-self image.
I have myself convinced that my negative thoughts are true. Does that mean those negative thoughts are true? No. Does my mind constantly fixate on negative emotions? Yes. Do I want to get better? More than anything in the world. I try every day to break my patterns of negativity. Some days it works. I have good days and I have bad ones. But even on good days my negative emotions are simply distant thoughts; they are there but not close enough to affect me.
As I write this, I find myself in a healthy head space. It’s not the first time I’ve gone through hell and found my way back to something resembling some sort of mental clarity. It won’t be the last time either. Despite the fact I feel good about myself and about life, I also know that sometime in the future I will descend again. It happened multiple times before and I’m sure it will happen again. And when I do descend once more I want everyone to remember the things I wrote above. Try to understand who I am.